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Friday, 02 January 2009

2009

it's the start of a new year... it's time to start my own healing process...
you will be the last person who will ever hurt me this way... the last person who will ever do this to me again... u will be the reason why i am no longer me... i gave u more than u ever wanted, more than u could ever ask for, more than u ever deserved... now it's gonna be about me...
i wish u all the best for 2009... i hope that it brings u what u deserve... i don't curse u or wish bad things for u... i just want u to feel how i feel if only for a brief moment... the conflict that i have with myself for being in love with u and wanting to make u feel like how u make me feel... how unfairly u treated me...
i will no longer be that sad pathetic loser who fought to be beside u... i will no longer be abused and taken advantage of... i will no longer stand by and take the shit that u throw at me... i will no longer want to be with u...
u were a big part of my life that i will never forget... but it's time for me to let go of the old u and accept the new and present u... someone who isn't in love with me anymore... maybe it's u that doesn't understand what love is... or maybe it's me who defines everything to it... we don't have that spark or that magical thing that i was trying to hold on to for so long now... any chance that i could have had is no longer a possiblity due to the destructive nature i took i realize that... by wanting u closer i made u go further away... my goal for myself this year to finally put you behind me and let go...
i just want to get thru this trip and go home... i will ask u for one thing when we get home but i know u will say no... i don't care it's the last thing i'll ever ask of u again...

Friday, 21 March 2008

2 months have passed and nothing's changed... we're still like this... not just ordinary friends and not quite lovers... it hurts a lot right now... this moment... i hate the person i've become... a jealous, paranoid, control freak... i know this not who u want me to be but i can't stop myself... i see myself becoming more and more the person i DON'T want to be and i just let it happen... i'm always afraid that u'll hurt me again... i can't shake this feeling... it hurts too much... i still can't talk about bernard's birthday without getting upset... i can't think about that situation without my eyes watering... i can't imagine the future possiblity of that happening again without having nightmares... u hold so many secrets... too many... i can't trust u... and i hate that... i want a sense of security... i don't want to hurt anymore... i just want to be happy with u... is that asking for too much?

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Currently Listening
Real Life
By RJ Helton
Missing Me
see related

so what is this that u'r putting me thru? after that whole incident in my previous blog then we hang out for a week straight then u ask me for help with ur hwk and u sleep at my house to skip school and i don't know what to think.... yeah maybe u'r right the better u treat me the more i think into it but that's just normal.... any normal person would think there's a little more to it... right? i'm so confused...
i've decided to go back to school so i can have a brighter future and be able to provide for my family and honestly so i can be a provider for u... problem is i don't know what to take in school... i hate math... i hate business.... not many options left... hai~ i don't know what to do...
i don't know what to do about anything anymore... i really enjoy spending all this time with u and that's y i'm trying really hard not to fuck it up... i'm not asking questions about u & me... i'm not doing things to make u uncomfortable... i'm really trying but i'm afraid... afraid of everything that can possibly go wrong and i go spiralling back to where i was emotionally when this all first started...

Missing Me
I love the way it feels when you touch my hand
Don't wanna let you go
I love the way you say that I am your man
Don't understand why we can't go on and go on
Don't understand why
You don't belong in my arms
Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

It's funny how my heart just won't let it go
I just don't understand
It's crazy how the pain seems to overflow
The memories of you here with me by my side
I can't deny that you are the love of my life

Ohh

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me
And I still cry for you
And I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
And I still long for you
And I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

And even if I cried a thousand tears tonight
Would you come back to me
And even if I walked on the water
Would you come out to sea
Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

I still cry for you
I would die for you
I can't believe all the words I heard you say
I still long for you
I was strong for you
I can't believe that you'd throw it all away

Now I can't spend my life standing by
Cause even when I miss you
You're still not missing me

Sunday, 06 January 2008

i told u before i don't like to be pushed! if u push me i'm gonna push back! and that's not where we wanna go...
y is it that u only see things like an older superior figure does?... e.g. a kid takes another kid's pencil in class once... and everytime a pencil goes missing the teacher will always assume or ask that kid first...
so when i don't call u or bother u for awhile the second i do make a txt msg or phone call y do u throw ur hands up in frustration and say "there goes --- calling me again!!" when really i haven't
i don't get it... i don't call u everyday... so i send a txt msg to say hi... u don't reply i'm over it... u just assume the worse in me...y? wut did i do to make u think that way of me? i have no alterior motives... i have no bad intentions... i freaking harmless and u of all ppl should know that!
when i treat u like a friend u say i don't when i treat u more than a friend u feel repulsed like for pete's sake
TELL ME THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
i'm trying to exit as gracefully as possible but u're making it very difficult by putting up obstacles when there shouldn't be... i get it... the very thought of u being with me again makes u sick... i get it... i'm making life very hard for u... i get it...we're only friends... i get it... i really do...
i just expect the ppl i call my friends to be there for me when i need them the most... i don't ask for that too often either but it just seems that everytime that i needed u -- together or not -- u could never make urself available... how can u say u treat me as a friend when u'r so sensitive to the fact i'm not able to treat u as a friend when it's really u can't seem to treat me as a friend...
sigh~ doesn't matter anyways... u won't see this unless i tell u to look anyways... and by that time u'll have already forgotten about this conversation we just had cos right now u don't want to talk to me... y? how would i know.... for how long? couldn't tell u... did i do something wrong? i dunno, u never tell me these things and u get upset when i ask too many questions so i don't know shit...
oh and if u do see this on ur own be nice leave a comment give me a response cos i didn't write this here just for all the world to see... only for u so it'd be nice u gave some kind of feedback... thx

Saturday, 05 January 2008

would it kill u to call and see how i'm doing?
would it honestly hurt to show u care about me just a little?
i took care of u when u were sick u could at least do the same...
i just want some comfort from u...